January 26, 2010

In the past, one thing I have never been told…is that I don’t talk enough. As a matter of a fact, sometimes I talk too much. I am one of those who don’t like to stay mad in a situation. I might get worked up, say my piece and walk away, but I usually always apologize; even if I feel it wasn’t “my fault”.
However, since Ryan passed away, and my marriage ended, I became very walled up and didn’t trust a word or an action by most I encountered. This is not a reflection of anything in particular, but maybe how I dealt with the pain. For over two years I was a hermit, and pretty much didn’t do anything but work, and be a mom. I made it a point to never let someone get to know me.
Running has allowed me to take a bad day and throw it into a run and for me it’s like being at a spa where all my worries melt, and the sky is my guide. Like yesterday, running across I35 bridge again, looking up at clouds swirled in purple, orange, dark blue and gray. Edges of some of the clouds etched out like angel wings and a warmth of color that guided me to the end of a nice tempo run.
Running has made me a little more “ballsy”, like being able to talk to a group about what I am doing, being able to ask for money for our wounded veterans and not being shy about it. Most importantly, I have come to terms with reconciliation better than in the past. I hate going to bed mad at anyone, and vice versa. If I feel someone has been hurt by my actions I want to fix it right away. I know this stems from not being able to say goodbye to Ryan or finding a way to patch a failed marriage. I make an honest effort to always say goodbye and I love you to those I care about, so I don’t have to wonder if they ever knew how much they meant to me.
Running has allowed me to join a community of runners everywhere, fast or slow, young and older who share the same enjoyment I do when looking at my watch knowing I just clocked off another few miles for the week.
Running tells me that the past is so 5 minutes ago, and that an unknown future is more exciting than predicting life. All the sad troubles of the world leave my head when I run (except for that crappy run on last Sat.:)), and for an hour or so out of the day, life is peaceful, and no is mad at me, and I am not mad at me or anyone else.