Thursday, December 24, 2009
(photo above, last pic I took with brother at his wedding)
It's Christmas Eve and Max went to bed so early! At 6:30pm, he told me he wanted to go to bed because Santa was on his way. I was ready for hot chocolate and a Christmas movie, but he wouldn't have it, so he's sleeping and I am thinking of Ryan. As soon as Max fell asleep, I began thinking of my family. Parents in Michigan, brothers in Arizona, sister in New York, sister in Europe, and brother in S. Korea, and me...in Austin. Thank goodness for Skype and Facebook chat, and good old fashioned talks on the phone, but it feels especially emotional for me this time around. The day I took on the challenge to do a marathon, I have thought about him constantly for the past several weeks. I think my divorce, which occurred simultaneously with his death trumped over mourning for my brother, and so now I mourn him daily, but mostly as a deep inspiration to complete something I never thought achievable in my wildest dreams. I talk, think and dream about my brother more now than in 2007 when he left us. So, I strongly believe he is sending me a message to take care of myself, manage this Lupus thing, forgive, and has introduced me to some great people in the running community just by inspiring me to run. Running has been like a happy drug, easing my daily stress. My favorite part of a run is when I just want to stop, even before my desired distance is finished and just walk and call it a day...BUT when I just look a head, and ignore those urges, I often run quicker, and end up more satisfied because I didn't quit. I have had 3 dreams now where I am being cheered on to the finish..the 1st was Ryan, which is why I started the challenge, the second, one was wounded veterans, waiting in a huge group, cheering on all the runners in the race, and recently I had one of a friend who just joined the running team, and once met my Ryan. So, these encouraging dreams are flowing into my daily runs, and hopefully get me to that finish line. It's quiet on Christmas Eve, with my family here and there but not in Texas. But I cannot wait for Max to wake up to his first bike...one that he can ride while I run.:) Spending the day with my ex and his family...no Jerry Springer moments, I promise:)
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF OUR TROOPS. WE ARE SO BLESSED TO ENJOY THESE HOLIDAYS BECAUSE OF YOU!!! LOTS OF LOVE FROM ME TO YOU!!!