F E A R

(my bud)

Ahh, so finally, a post. It's only been 8 months since last writing on here. But I have been running again, yeah! I mean, granted this has been the worst summer I have experienced since moving to Austin 2.5 years ago, but after 2 weeks of adjusting to the brutal temperatures, it's "okay".

I didn't think it was going to happen, but it did, I started up again. I mean running is my one drug, my therapy, my escape from all the thoughts that stay clustered in my head through out the day, and even in 105 degree weather, I love it.

Fear kept me from running. Last November I was sitting in a ER room moments before the 2010 NYC Marathon was to begin. I was suppose to be running, you know making Ryan proud, giving up my own sweat and tears to all those who donated to the Wounded Warrior Project, and completing a goal. A goal that seemed so unrealistic when I first rolled into Austin, Texas as a scared single mom with no idea of where I stood as a individual.

I am a firm believer that we get out of life what we put into life. So, when I have my moments of wondering what the hell I should be doing with my life, I turn to what makes me feel fulfilled. You must know that I thought about the ING NYC Marathon quite often since flying home with a token scar barely noticeable today.

It's not that I feel I owe anybody for not finishing the race last year, but for myself, it was a goal that remains incomplete. Sure, I have other goals: pay the remaining balance of the lovely NYC hospital bill, continue to provide for my son, manage my Lupus so it never becomes the end of me, help the Wounded Warrior Project when I can, continue to honor Ryan, and try really hard to keep FEAR out of the equation.

You see, I want to say I am going to try and get to the 2011 NYC Marathon, but what if something happens again? I have been going back and fourth with this like a yo-yo for a few weeks. I been hitting the unforgiving scorching concrete and dusty trails in the hope that I may be brave enough to welcome the challenge again.

Then, I think about a certain person who is on his 3rd deployment and who has been working pretty much overseas for the past 5-6 years trying to make good in every job/situation he is dealt. This man has never once complained to me, well maybe once, when he said he couldn't wait to get back to the States because Africa was just too dang hot at the time he was writing me.

But that's about it. Every time I write about my ups and downs in my pretty much safe and comfortable environment with my son and I, he encourages me. He never makes me feel like my inconveniences are unworthy to speak of; instead he tells me he understands and compliments me in some way or another.

This friend and I have written back and fourth for a good part of 4 years, getting me through a divorce and a death. This man is someone I admire a great deal for all of his service he has given to our country and to other countries when working to improve the lives of local communities overseas.

If I say I am going to run a marathon, he says be careful, but doesn't tell me I cannot do it. And his lack of fear of working and living so far away and from the comforts we enjoy everyday is what helps me to step away from the fear that I will fail. You know, Ryan inspired me two years ago to start this journey, and now I have to give a lot of credit to a dear friend who inspires me today. This friend puts a smile on my face, and has a heart that has been able to reach me and encourage me at just the right moments through the years. So, because of him, I am re-charged for this running thing. I will go with a open mind and try my best. I will try, and I will try to get there again to complete the goal. I want to honor Ryan, and to let my friend know, if he can deploy for a 3rd time, I can try the NYC Marathon a 2nd time, right?